It’s been hard to write something inspiring the past few days. My mind has been heavier than a tow truck lately. I have so much stress I want rip my hair out. I know life could be so much worse, but I don’t do well under pressure… And who is putting all this weight on my shoulders? Me.
Life is going great until something decides to shift it into a totally different direction. Trying to find a new job and dealing with a low income is absolutely draining me. We have all been in this boat before right? At least once?
I have always been sort of a perfectionist. I wasn’t to the point where I was first in my class or valedictorian, but I had to be on the honor roll. I had to have a job while I was in school, have money in my bank account, and had to dress up nice every day for school. If I didn’t live up to my “16 going on 30” standards, I would beat myself up for it.
I made sure to rack up college credits before I graduated high school, moved out of my parents house when I graduated, bought my own car, and obtained my associates degree online while working so I wouldn’t have as much debt as my peers.
My life has always been a chase and honestly, I have been motivated to be better than others. Big word to swallow here.. jealousy. I have always been consumed by it and yes it aint pretty. Sure these achievements were good for me and my future, but the reasoning behind them wasn’t.
I’ve always thought of myself as “more mature” than people my age. Waving a big sign over my head of all my accomplishments. As I’m actually* maturing, I’m realizing what has been fueling me these years…why am I trying to impress everyone? Why do I feel like I have to “one up” the next person? Why is there a race and why do I have to get first?
It’s just like our mothers have told us since we were in middle school, I’m screaming for attention. Yikes, is that conceded enough? I want to be noticed instead of sitting in the back row. I am an outspoken person trying to get just a foot into the spotlight. I didn’t go out for sports in High School… I wasn’t apart of any teams, and I didn’t have a whole lot of friends.
Have you seen the show Gossip Girl? If you haven’t, you should because it’s amazing.
If you have, this will make sense to you…I see myself as a Blair Waldorf and every other girl I’ve been around is a Serena Van der Woodsen. Now I’m not a snobby and popular rich girl that manipulates to get what she wants, but I’m always in the shadow of someone else.
Every time I find something I’m good at, I get outshined. Whenever I take a picture, someone gets more likes. When things are going good at work, someone brags about their raise. So then I get into a competitive game where I have to be the best.
Here’s a secret… you’ll never win this game, because with this attitude there’s an endless cycle of “not good enough’s”. There’s always going to be another person that loves to decorate as much as you do and there will be a new selfie on Instagram everyday.
It’s good to have ambition to achieve your goals, but when everything is a competition it only stresses you out. It just turns into a complete mind game. Wave the white flag and surrender. This battle will just get old and destroy yourself esteem.
I want to become a better person. I want to stop comparing myself to others and thinking that I’m not good enough. I want to be proud of what I do, but also be proud of others too.
I need to slay with grace. Eventually Blair Waldorf grew up and stopped being ruled by her jealousy. How did she do this? Well it took her awhile to figure it out, but her shining moment came with class.
She didn’t care what other people were doing anymore and came up with her own ideas. She believed in herself and finally got her spotlight. She was actually happy when her world stopped revolving around envy.
Out of all shows I found this one to be inspiring to me…crazy right? So it all boils down to this point in my life. I’m barely making a sufficient income or getting attention from my décor anymore. Both are failures in my mind.
I was starting to pay off my debts… I was on a roll. I was going to be one of the first people in my class to be debt free at 21! This had to come to a halt when my living expenses taken over my entire paycheck. How can I keep impressing people if I have no money to spend on décor?! How can I brag to my sister that I have x amount of money in my checking account?!
It’s time to stop living for impressing. It’s time to grow up and realize things don’t just happen over night. When one door closes..another door opens. Sometimes it takes a little faith and confidence that everything is going to work out.
Life is NOT a race, be PATIENT. You ARE good enough. You ARE talented. You ARE pretty enough.. I came across this quote the other day “Just because you don’t look like somebody you think is attractive, doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty but so are Christmas lights but they look nothing alike.” I don’t know who to credit this quote to, but it is INSPIRING..
Comparing yourself to others will only make you bitter, so just simply be happy for other people. Let them inspire you, and then you can inspire others.