Yes, I am going to apologize for my condition. That’s part of what I do.. I apologize for situations that are out of my control, things that are not my fault, and I’m sorry for this seemingly self-absorbed post. I apologize so much that it probably annoys you. But that’s what I do best, right? Annoy people? See, that’s another part of what I am. I feel like I am over stepping my boundaries by talking too much. I think that you are constantly judging me.. you probably are though.
You most likely think I’m a bitch because you don’t see me smiling or say “Hello” when we pass by each other in the grocery store. But let me tell you, I’m not a bitch (most of the time).. I’m not a ray of sunshine and rainbows type of girl either. I don’t laugh at many jokes, but I blame that on my horrible sense of humor.. I may have the courage to say “Hi” to you one day, but other times I’m afraid it will lead to a conversation…what will I say? I’m horrible with small talk and I guess I’m too fragile to let you know who I am.
I’m fragile, I break easy. A simple joke or a tiny bit of criticism may be nothing to you, but it can crush me. So, I’ve learned to shield myself from the damage. I don’t trust you…I hardly trust anyone. I don’t trust myself at times…I doubt, second guess, and wonder if I really know what the hell I am doing. Overthinking, one of my favorite things to do.
Please, don’t give me the decision to where we are going to eat. It seems like an easy task.. until it becomes battle in my mind because of the pressure “will I regret my choice?” “what if I don’t like it?” The pressure of people wanting more out of me than I can give. I know you want me to hold your baby, to show it some affection.. but I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. Please, don’t think I hate it because that’s not the case. This little life will depend on me for maybe 5 minutes.. What if I do something wrong? What if it starts crying? What if the moment I hold it, I realize I will be a horrible mother someday. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I guess either way I am doing just that. The pressure and stress make me come off as a cold human being. This feeling is like a shadow to me. Will it go away if I just hide in the dark? I’m jealous of people that shine in the light.
Jealousy, Oh how you have become so familiar. It brings out the best and worst in me. It makes me want to do better. If they can do it, I surely can too (if not better)… but there are the things I can’t change.. I can’t make myself gain weight to fit cute boutique clothing, because I lose it no matter what I do. I can’t get as many likes on Instagram as her, because I was simply not born that pretty or outgoing. I can’t get that job, because they can sense my fear. I can’t hide my insecurities from you.
But, it’s not all bad…It does get easier, some days. I have these ground breaking moments, I overcome an obstacle. I went grocery shopping at Walmart by myself today. I drove down main street in a city. I went to a bar with a crowd full of people…and I was okay. I didn’t break down and I didn’t leave. I celebrate with a smile and a proud “I did it!” moment.. I don’t tell anyone else about it though…to them it’s normal. It’s nothing special.
I’m fighting like hell. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it peak through the cracks on my good days. I want to accomplish my goals and dreams. I want to decide where to eat and not second guess it. I want to be a good mother when the time comes. I want to have the courage to get any job I want, to do anything I want. It is easier to succumb into the darkness, to stay in my comfort zone. But where is the life in that? I know there are bad days.. but the good days are worth the battle. So I will keep fighting until I can smile every day.
Thank you for reading,