Price: (5 x 7) $283.90
Price: (Queen/Full): $133.90
Yes, I am going to apologize for my condition. That’s part of what I do.. I apologize for situations that are out of my control, things that are not my fault, and I’m sorry for this seemingly self-absorbed post. I apologize so much that it probably annoys you. But that’s what I do best, right? Annoy people? See, that’s another part of what I am. I feel like I am over stepping my boundaries by talking too much. I think that you are constantly judging me.. you probably are though.
You most likely think I’m a bitch because you don’t see me smiling or say “Hello” when we pass by each other in the grocery store. But let me tell you, I’m not a bitch (most of the time).. I’m not a ray of sunshine and rainbows type of girl either. I don’t laugh at many jokes, but I blame that on my horrible sense of humor.. I may have the courage to say “Hi” to you one day, but other times I’m afraid it will lead to a conversation…what will I say? I’m horrible with small talk and I guess I’m too fragile to let you know who I am.
I’m fragile, I break easy. A simple joke or a tiny bit of criticism may be nothing to you, but it can crush me. So, I’ve learned to shield myself from the damage. I don’t trust you…I hardly trust anyone. I don’t trust myself at times…I doubt, second guess, and wonder if I really know what the hell I am doing. Overthinking, one of my favorite things to do.
Please, don’t give me the decision to where we are going to eat. It seems like an easy task.. until it becomes battle in my mind because of the pressure “will I regret my choice?” “what if I don’t like it?” The pressure of people wanting more out of me than I can give. I know you want me to hold your baby, to show it some affection.. but I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. Please, don’t think I hate it because that’s not the case. This little life will depend on me for maybe 5 minutes.. What if I do something wrong? What if it starts crying? What if the moment I hold it, I realize I will be a horrible mother someday. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I guess either way I am doing just that. The pressure and stress make me come off as a cold human being. This feeling is like a shadow to me. Will it go away if I just hide in the dark? I’m jealous of people that shine in the light.
Jealousy, Oh how you have become so familiar. It brings out the best and worst in me. It makes me want to do better. If they can do it, I surely can too (if not better)… but there are the things I can’t change.. I can’t make myself gain weight to fit cute boutique clothing, because I lose it no matter what I do. I can’t get as many likes on Instagram as her, because I was simply not born that pretty or outgoing. I can’t get that job, because they can sense my fear. I can’t hide my insecurities from you.
But, it’s not all bad…It does get easier, some days. I have these ground breaking moments, I overcome an obstacle. I went grocery shopping at Walmart by myself today. I drove down main street in a city. I went to a bar with a crowd full of people…and I was okay. I didn’t break down and I didn’t leave. I celebrate with a smile and a proud “I did it!” moment.. I don’t tell anyone else about it though…to them it’s normal. It’s nothing special.
I’m fighting like hell. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it peak through the cracks on my good days. I want to accomplish my goals and dreams. I want to decide where to eat and not second guess it. I want to be a good mother when the time comes. I want to have the courage to get any job I want, to do anything I want. It is easier to succumb into the darkness, to stay in my comfort zone. But where is the life in that? I know there are bad days.. but the good days are worth the battle. So I will keep fighting until I can smile every day.
Thank you for reading,
Have you ever had a time in life where you thought you were finally on the right track? You thought “This could be it”.. or “This might be what I’m meant to do”… Until you feel like you’ve just been run over by a truck when it turns out to be just another stepping stone. If you’re anything like me, every pivotal decision is just part of the journey to finally figuring out what I was put on this Earth for.
When I graduated High School I was interested in Science. I wanted to have a job that required expertise, I enjoyed, and would have moderate pay. I was accepted into a radiology program at my local college. I was required to do some job shadowing and thank God for that, because I realized it was not my calling. After some thought I realized that as much as I loved Science…the medical field wasn’t for me.
I decided to get an Associate of Arts degree for general knowledge and to buy some time to figure out my life. I would have never expected to enjoy accounting. I hated math growing up and I wasn’t all that great at it. I was taking a personal finance class and I actually enjoyed it. I was even good at it, who knew? So the next semester I majored in accounting.
Along with taking accounting classes I was working for a factory over nights at this time. The factory told me that they would have an office position for me (most likely) once I graduated college. The plan was to pay off my schooling as I went, and I did get a lot paid off, but I found that I liked to renovate and decorate my home which required a bit of change out of my pocket. While my friends were partying and going on trips, I was sanding my floors and painting ceilings.
After some time and hearing stories of other employees that had received the same promise of an office position, a secretary position opened up at my relative’s business. I wasn’t going to chance never getting that office position in the factory so I accepted the offer at my relative’s business. This position involved everything I was going to school for and I was going to work with some great people. It really helped me gain some experience in my field of study, but it didn’t work out in the end.
Although it was sad to leave that job (still love my old bosses!), another door opened up for me… after months of applying for secretary and accounting positions, I landed a kitchen designer job. This had to be a dream come true right??
I accepted the offer and began training a little over a month ago. I learned an incredible amount over this time period (you would not believe how much there is to know about cabinetry) and was able to help create designs. I actually was able to get over an anxiety of mine…for the past few years I have had anxiety being in a vehicle for “long” distances (sometimes just a half hour)…I’m not sure if this came about when I started working overnights and taking classes at the same time and never leaving the house?? Whatever the cause, the constant driving really helped me get over this hurdle.
I also was able to gain confidence. I wouldn’t say I’m horrible with people, I’m a bit shy. This job allowed me to go into customers’ homes and speak with them and spread the knowledge about our products. I also learned a bit about the business side of designing and how it is important to promote yourself. As much as I loved designing and the job itself, it didn’t work out for me. (and as much as I’d love to let off some steam and explain what had happened, I’ll bite my tongue and just leave it at that. )
…here I am once again wounded by that damn truck.
One door closed, another door opened, and here we are pounded shut again.. It’s all a road map to an unknown destination.
One thing that keeps me going is to look at my past…from all the great to shitty things that have happened…it’s all happened for a reason. So, I will have to hold onto faith that something good will come out of this…that the best is yet to come. (at least so they say)
So initially this blog was to be strictly home décor, well I’m changing my mind. Like I often do. I love home décor and renovating, but there’s only so much a girl with a tight budget can do. You know what I’m saying?
I am going to be adding posts about easy recipes and possibly beauty. I think with a greater variety of topics to share with you all, the more I will be inspired to create new posts. 😉
What’s going on my life since I haven’t written in a couple of weeks? I have interviewing away and searching for a career. I never knew it could be this difficult. You think once you get a degree that you will be able to find a job right away…wrong. Employers are not only looking for education, but experience as well. Not the easiest task fresh out of college.
The saying “Everything happens for a reason” replays in my head about 50 times a day. “You didn’t get this job because it wasn’t the right one…there’s a better one coming!” It’s hard to stay positive when your scraping for pennies. The best thing to do in my situation is to TRY to stay positive.
Stay positive that things will get better and this is just a minor slump. I’m filling out applications and sending in resumes left and right… I’m doing everything I should in my situation….right?
When times are rough like this, it’s important to enjoy and embrace the little things. AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONLINE SHOPPING. Right now I have the time to reflect on what I really want to do in life and what my goals are. It’s an opportunity to see what you can do with little money. I also have time to finish things around the house that I couldn’t do while I was working…There’s always a bright side if you just give yourself a chance to look.
Other than my job hunting, we are done with the drywall and painting in the new office! Next on the list is the ceiling!
New posts are on their way!